One emotion among the many that I never truly learnt to waddle through is Disappointment.

As a child, growing up, my grades and achievements were always compared and hence I was hustling to maintain them. Thankfully, I was good at my studies and hence it was not much of an issue. But whenever I scored something less than what I used to, I was afraid to go home and tell my results.

Because I had hated that look of disappointment that came over everybody’s faces. The eyes narrow and glaze over, a thin line appears over the forehead and the mouth is pursed. That look may last for few seconds but that was enough to slice a cut in my feelings.

Through my teens, adults in my life often openly expressed disappointment over my looks, my choices and my likes. It was as if I could never do anything right. Whenever I did something I loved, I was titled a disappointment.

To this day, I do not know how to deal with disappointment. Be it when others are disappointed by me or when things don’t work out for me. I can’t handle it. I lash out at whoever is available and obviously that does nothing to calm me. I hate how disappointment cripples me. I am not an optimistic person but I do get excited about the prospect of something. And when that doesn’t work out, disappointment is inevitable.

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General, Interests

Ten Tea Facts

I’m just going to rattle Ten Tea Facts about me:

#1: The first time I made tea, it tasted bad.

#2: I like my tea with – less milk, strong enough till it gets an orange-ish color, not very sweet but not very less sweet either.

#3: I do not like to drink very hot tea. But I do not like my tea served cold either. I want it served hot and then I will cool it to the temperature I like and then drink it.

#4: I do not like drinking tea out of a saucer. If the tea is hot and I’m getting late, I prefer to use a vati (a small bowl) to cool down the tea instead.

#5: The glass in which I drink tea at home is very tiny – it’s as good as a tea shot glass!!

#6: Even though I drink very less tea, when someone gives me tea in any other glass, and that glass is not filled to the brim, I tend to feel offended. Crazy, I know!!

#7: I love to drink tea in Kulhads (mud cups) at railway stations.

#8: Whenever we go to a hilly area, I always crave for Pahadi Maggi and Adrak wali chai (ginger tea).

#9: I have been trying lately to keep my tea spells healthy, hence now we use jaggery instead of sugar. Some times, in the evenings, I drink green tea.

#10: I prefer coffee over tea when I am having cake or biscuits.


A Stress Mess

I am no stranger to Stress. In fact, over the years, Stress had gotten to know me very well indeed. It seeps up at the slightest sign of disarray in my life and refuses to leave for days.

Last month, Stress upped my privilege and now I am one of the esteemed member of it’s Club. Some of my symptoms included:

  • Breaking down on small topics.
    Like, I wasn’t able to gift wrap something neatly, I lay on the floor of the room, unable to get up, thinking about how I can’t do a simple thing right.
  • Forgetting things.
    Of course, I forgot many birthdays earlier as well. Now, my range has been extended to scenarios like: I go marching up to my cupboard with a purpose, open the doors, and then forget what it was that I came for.
    Twice, in one hour, I misplaced valuable items and try as I might, I couldn’t re-call where I had placed them, so obviously I panicked and started crying.
  • Imagining shadows.
    Sounds very filmy but whenever I work with my back to the door, I feel like someone may have entered the room behind me. Once, in my washroom of my office building, I imagined a cockroach going past when I opened a door, and I when I double-checked, there was nothing there.
  • Unable to relax.
    Try as I might, even if I lie with my eyes closed, I get can’t myself to fall asleep.
  • Increased weight.
    I spent three months shedding all the extra calories to discover that I had put on a kg last month.

Should I think I am lucky that Feb was a short month?