Somehow I feel like my life is getting divided into two clean chapters. The one that I have lived so far and the one that I am going to live later. And this period right now, feels like an intermission between them.
However, an intermission in which my head is swimming with thoughts. And they are not just one directional thoughts , they are conflicts. They are at war with each other and I feel like an observer in my own life.
My biggest moments feel like nothing to me. The tiniest things make me sad. I carry around a guilt with me – of my past mistakes, about the way I make people feel. I feel a mixture of self pity and self loathing. I cannot bring myself to break out of it, to like me or at the very least to be at peace with the way I am.
I don’t feel close enough to explain my feelings to anyone. And I also think that they don’t understand it the way that I am feeling it. Of course, I know that my family and friends have my best interests at hearts and I know they will do anything to keep me happy but how do I keep myself happy?
All my life, whenever I wanted something really dearly, I never got it. I always had to make do with whatever came my way , with whatever was happening to me. Okay, I don’t want to pity myself. Because, I, in my full senses , made the choice of keeping the happiness of others intact over my own. I wanted something and I never pursued it because I didn’t want the repercussions of my choices to affect my family and friends.
It hurts me. It hurts me badly. Still after all this time. I don’t have the education that I longed for, the career that I wanted nor do I have the person I love with me. I don’t have any of it because I made this tragic choice. I molded my life into what it has become today. I have only me to blame for.
I know all the theories of leaving the past behind and moving forward. But trust me, when I set out to practice it, it exhausts me. It drains me of all the will power that I mustered. It poofs away my so called motivation into dust within seconds. So, any minor disturbance in my day goes from becoming a momentary inconvenience to an open coffin full of past mistakes and guilt.
Look at the future and take decisions they say. I did that. With a practical mind. And now, I can’t see anything in front of me. I can’t see anything that’s going to shape into profound moments or even anything that’s going to be special in its own way anymore.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m right. But I hope I am with me in whatever happens to me after the intermission.