Posted in life, Thoughts

For the last of 2021 and the first of 2022

I just need this moment to put all the thoughts I have been having out of myself.

I usually love the feel of new beginnings. The New Year is a time that represents a lot of joy and promise to me. But this year, at midnight, as I stood in a field surrounded by my family and watched a skyshot lit up the sky, I didn’t feel anything.

When I was younger, I would do the cliché 10…9..8.. countdown in my head and get so excited to start a new year. I would whip out a diary or a planner, make notes and resolutions and would generally be very buoy.

But this time, it didn’t feel like a new book had opened. It felt like a page had turned in the old heavy life jounal. It didn’t feel full of hope; it felt like a long dragging loss.

When I started 2021, I was full of purpose. I had a goal and I was working towards it. And of course, I knew that there would be hurdles but I genuinely did not think that it would be so challenging.

2021 was tough. There is no other better word for it. Even with all my constant attempts towards self-reflection and self-improvement, I struggled a lot.

Every month was a constant cycle of hope, exploring optimism and then colliding head on with disappointment. Each month. And those collisions left me so utterly devasted that even though this is the first month of new year, I’m even now trying to shield myself from that pain again. Just gritting my teeth and embracing myself for inevitable crash landing.

And what makes me sad is that my close ones do not seem to realize how much I’m hurting. Everyone always talks about themselves. Nobody asks how I’m doing.

I have been all alone in 2021 and I still feel so alone.

I do not want to experience the same hardships in 2022. I want things to be better. I don’t want myself to turn bitter. But I seriously do not have any hopes that 2022 will be any kinder.

It just feels like a huge sea that I have to paddle my boat across. And I am so not a water baby.

So really, I cannot make any wish for 2022 becoz I just..I don’t know what to wish for.

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