Seriously, over the past few months I have literally been feeling like I’m floating from place to place, task to task, without anything literally meaning anything to me. And ironically, this started when I put a conscious stop to worrying about my current problems. I decided to “let go”. Stop controlling things and just see where they end up. Maybe that’s the master plan to achieving things in life. Just trusting in the above and beyond.
Or so I thought.
But turns out ever since I have stopped thinking about the things I used to think about all the time, now I have nothing to do. My active interest in doing my job or household work or hobbies is evaporating too. When I used to be worried, I could push myself to do things. Now that I don’t have anything to worry about, I feel it pointless to do anything.
I’m in a funk.
I wake up – work – eat – read – and bore myself to sleep. My husband and therapist keep forcing me to do things I used to like, but doing these things forcefully, is giving me no joy. I could read, color, quill but at the end of that activity, I feel the same that I felt before I started it. There is zero impact on me.
Then there’s the other coping mechanism of “be around other people, even if you want to be alone.”
But placing myself in a group, trying to ease into conversations, just makes me realise how different others are to me and how they have nothing in common with me and honestly they don’t care about me but just want to talk about themselves. Those who attempt to engage me, the conversation immediately turns mediocre to me when all the other person wants to talk about is stuff like weather or is not able to match up with the speed of my train of thought.
I really feel like I’m in a limbo. Doing things for the sake of it. Because all of the dreaming, hoping, failing and trying again and again has broken me.