Annoying Things Relatives Say

Whenever me and my relatives meet for any festival or family functions; they believe it is their earth-bound duty to assess my life and my looks. And they need to mark me an F in at least some area on the progress report that they maintain for me.

A senior aunt said that I have “red teeth”. Now, I would have still understood if she had said that, I have yellow teeth (plaque) or even if I have black teeth (cavities). But when do teeth turn red? (Am I a vampire and I don’t know about it ? )

My relatives do not believe in small talk, even if we meet after several months. They jump straight into comfortable questions, like:

“How much was your increment this year?”

“Why are you not pregnant yet?”
Someone has even called me infertile already. What was that? Are they a doctor? Oh no, they are “certified relatives”. They predict your sexuality and your fertility by having one look at your face.

“Did you learn how to cook, yet?”
Apparently, referring a YouTube video or a cook book is not cooking. They want me to charge into the kitchen with a blind cloth on, pick up all the ingredients and cut, sauté, blend, simmer and voila!! Now that’s cooking!

And, it doesn’t matter if I am beginning to do better in other things in my life, because I look at YouTube and cook. How disgracing!!

They don’t even want me to do better in my life.
When I couldn’t drive, they used to compare me with all the bright kids who can drive. And now that I can drive a manual (as compared to the automatics that the bright kids drive), I get asked, very casually, “Umm.. so say.. you must have forgotten what it’s like to drive, right?
Me: No. Why?
Relative: I mean, with all the gears and you not stepping out..
Me: But who said I am not stepping out?
Relative: Oh.. but I mean still.. you have not forgotten at least something?”

I get called out for not wearing makeup. I get called out for wearing lipstick and kajal.

I get called out for breathing air!!

And my parents wonder why wouldn’t I want to place myself under such a spotlight?

Why wouldn’t I want to be treated with so much love?

********Sarcasm heavily intended**********