Given any situation, I’m the kind of a person who thinks about the worst negative outcome first and I work it backwards from there.
Many say that this is not the ideal mindset. That I should be more “positive”. But what does being positive look like? Always thinking that only the best cases will happen to me? If you ask me, that’s as unrealistic as thinking only the worst will happen to me.
So, what should being positive be?
It should be, “If this works out great!! If this doesn’t work out, then also it’s good coz I’ll take care of myself with some alternate plan.”
For quite some time now, I have been thinking and re-thinking about whether I should start writing in a new diary or not.
Starting a new diary is a very symbolic process for me. To me, it is not like starting a new book because the old one is out of pages. To me, it is like giving myself a chance to start over again with life. Besides, I love that feel of pen on paper – that texture, that smoothness, that freshness that seems to come only from new paper.
But every time I open the first page and decide to write something, I feel intimidated. Like, the first sentence I put in here will decide the rest of the tone and the rest of the fate of my diary and also the rest of my mood.
So…. I am still buckling and unbuckling the pen, flipping and un flipping the cover.. unsure of what I want to say, of what I want to be.
Since last year, I have been spending a lot of time in self-reflection and trying to improve myself and I want to say trying to get to know me has been harder than when I try to understand others.
My therapist is always encouraging me to identify my “triggers” and the only diagnosis I have made so far are that my triggers are also as moody as I am. So, I’m nowhere close to pin-pointing the source of my downer.
Some days I wake up feeling hopeful, despite clear odds of failure and some days when I know things cant be so bad, my mind blows it out of proportion. I get bored a lot. I always need to do things. And not just any things. Things such that I can look forward to getting them done and after I get them done, I feel better about them. And when I can’t think of such things and I have ample amount of time in hand, I am b-o-r-e-e-d.
I also feel alone a lot. I speak a lot but I feel alone a lot. Like, everybody else just catch my sound waves but don’t match my frequency. Like, nobody really understands what I’m trying to say.
I’m also very terrified of what may happen next. Many If? What If? questions arise and make me feel very anxious. I try a lot to cheer myself up, be my own cheer leader but I can’t help myself. I feel lost.