Since last year, I have been spending a lot of time in self-reflection and trying to improve myself and I want to say trying to get to know me has been harder than when I try to understand others.
My therapist is always encouraging me to identify my “triggers” and the only diagnosis I have made so far are that my triggers are also as moody as I am. So, I’m nowhere close to pin-pointing the source of my downer.
Some days I wake up feeling hopeful, despite clear odds of failure and some days when I know things cant be so bad, my mind blows it out of proportion. I get bored a lot. I always need to do things. And not just any things. Things such that I can look forward to getting them done and after I get them done, I feel better about them. And when I can’t think of such things and I have ample amount of time in hand, I am b-o-r-e-e-d.
I also feel alone a lot. I speak a lot but I feel alone a lot. Like, everybody else just catch my sound waves but don’t match my frequency. Like, nobody really understands what I’m trying to say.
I’m also very terrified of what may happen next. Many If? What If? questions arise and make me feel very anxious. I try a lot to cheer myself up, be my own cheer leader but I can’t help myself. I feel lost.