When I can’t sleep, my thoughts stream on high bandwidth 😅 and I dream up imaginary and hypothetical situations which are never going to be true.
And then I suddenly realized why I do that.
Because right now I feel like a loner. And I don’t like how that makes me feel.
I like my hypothetical situations better because in them I feel cared for and I feel like I’m being made feel special.
But yea, sad truth is, when it’s lights out, I’m alone. Sure, I talk a lot. I give every detail of my day at home when I arrive after office to whoever is listening. I mimic, I mock complain and I throw around my “I don’t care about anything what ever” attitude. But when I’m on the pillow and really analyzing my day and really wanting to share about how happy I felt or how anxious I was or how bored I feel, I suddenly feel like there’s no one I can tell it to.
Sure, I can goto Whatsapp and message my friends and I know they will reply back with all the right replies but somehow that’s not what I want in this moment.
In the moment, I realize I’m left alone to myself. I have no one to share my deepest feelings without feeling like an idiot.
Yes, I have many friends and most people seem to like me and I may be a good person but I don’t have that best friend. Maybe I did once. I don’t know if I’ll have it again.
And I guess it’s okay. At Least I know why I behave the way I do. 😅
Goodnight then. Sleep well 😊