I guess I’m a Loner Inside 

When I can’t sleep, my thoughts stream on high bandwidth 😅 and I dream up imaginary and hypothetical situations which are never going to be true. 

And then I suddenly realized why I do that. 

Because right now I feel like a loner. And I don’t like how that makes me feel. 

I like my hypothetical situations better because in them I feel cared for and I feel like I’m being made feel special. 

But yea, sad truth is, when it’s lights out, I’m alone. Sure, I talk a lot. I give every detail of my day at home when I arrive after office to whoever is listening. I mimic, I mock complain and I throw around my “I don’t care about anything what ever” attitude. But when I’m on the pillow and really analyzing my day and really wanting to share about how happy I felt or how anxious I was or how bored I feel, I suddenly feel like there’s no one I can tell it to. 

Sure, I can goto Whatsapp and message my friends and I know they will reply back with all the right replies but somehow that’s not what I want in this moment. 

In the moment, I realize I’m left alone to myself. I have no one to share my deepest feelings without feeling like an idiot.

Yes, I have many friends and most people seem to like me and I may be a good person but I don’t have that best friend. Maybe I did once. I don’t know if I’ll have it again. 

And I guess it’s okay. At Least I know why I behave the way I do. 😅
Goodnight then. Sleep well 😊

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Day 25 Topic 25: No Middle Ground

It’s either everything at once or nothing at all! 

My graph just starts great and then bang! drops without any prior warning. And when it drops, it drops so low that I can’t pick myself up again. 

It’s either a swarm of people around me all trying to talk together at the same time or it’s no one at all nearby when I need to reach out. 

It’s either a weekend chalked full of plans or a weekend at home tucked under the blanket. 

And it’s in these moments when I’m truly alone that I want someone, anyone, to reach out to me and tell me that I matter. That they want me to crawl out from under that blanket and talk to them. That they want  to actually sit next to me and spend some time with me. 

Bcoz when I’m  are a part of the crowd, I  feel like my presence or absence here wouldn’t have made much of a difference to anyone there anyway. The party never stops. So if I withdraw myself away I wouldn’t be missed. Nobody is actually going to come looking for me. 

And I’ll just be waiting for I don’t know what.