Disappointment

One emotion among the many that I never truly learnt to waddle through is Disappointment.

As a child, growing up, my grades and achievements were always compared and hence I was hustling to maintain them. Thankfully, I was good at my studies and hence it was not much of an issue. But whenever I scored something less than what I used to, I was afraid to go home and tell my results.

Because I had hated that look of disappointment that came over everybody’s faces. The eyes narrow and glaze over, a thin line appears over the forehead and the mouth is pursed. That look may last for few seconds but that was enough to slice a cut in my feelings.

Through my teens, adults in my life often openly expressed disappointment over my looks, my choices and my likes. It was as if I could never do anything right. Whenever I did something I loved, I was titled a disappointment.

To this day, I do not know how to deal with disappointment. Be it when others are disappointed by me or when things don’t work out for me. I can’t handle it. I lash out at whoever is available and obviously that does nothing to calm me. I hate how disappointment cripples me. I am not an optimistic person but I do get excited about the prospect of something. And when that doesn’t work out, disappointment is inevitable.

Making Mistakes

Yesterday, I did a mistake. I swapped two parcels. And though, there was no damage done and even when I tried to set things right, the persons involved told me, “it’s fine, it’s no big deal”; I couldn’t get the mistake out of my head. I am still thinking it.

And it’s not like I swapped someone’s heart for a kidney or even gave someone something not useful, but still the fact that I made a mistake is stuck in the frontal cortex of my brain.

And as I thought about it today in the drive to work, I realized that I do this all the time whenever I make mistakes – whether big or small. I bring it up to chastise myself. And I do this mostly when I am about to try something new or something important. I bring up the catalog of past mistakes, combine it with the fear of hesitation and that is why I am stunting my own growth.

Helping Others

I like helping others. Knowing that I can be of use to someone and that with my help, their work gets done, gives me a feel of satisfaction.

Though this quality is good; for me, at most times, it turns detrimental.

Say, If I’m trying to help someone, and somehow my abilities fall short and I’m not able to sort it out; I instantly get this feeling of being useless. Like, try as I might, I will never be good enough. I am then in this zone where I am trying to understand my “purpose” in this life coz if I cannot be useful to anyone, then what am I doing hanging around?

Also, when I try to offer my help but no one takes it, I get annoyed. I mean, I should have been feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the thing, but somehow, I feel irritated and left out and then I am in this zone where I think these people don’t need me anymore, what am I doing hanging around?

If something is in my ability to be done, I try to do that person’s work first and put my own work on the back burner. I exhaust all my attention into getting their work done and then I get irritated when I spy my work sizzling. And if I am somehow unable to put all my attention onto someone else’s work due to physical or logistic reasons, I fret about finishing it every second.

There are incidents where people know that I will not say NO and do their work and hence will ask in a certain way; while some don’t even ask and just type out a command. Then there I am, angry as hell with that person for taking me granted, grumbling about how I will never do any work for them in the future while simultaneously completing their work for them.

And oh, did I mention, I feel it super unfair, when people present the work/ideas that I did for them and lap up all the praises for it. I mean, at least have the courtesy of not doing it in my face!