Thoughts

In Limbo

Seriously, over the past few months I have literally been feeling like I’m floating from place to place, task to task, without anything literally meaning anything to me. And ironically, this started when I put a conscious stop to worrying about my current problems. I decided to “let go”. Stop controlling things and just see where they end up. Maybe that’s the master plan to achieving things in life. Just trusting in the above and beyond.

Or so I thought.

But turns out ever since I have stopped thinking about the things I used to think about all the time, now I have nothing to do. My active interest in doing my job or household work or hobbies is evaporating too. When I used to be worried, I could push myself to do things. Now that I don’t have anything to worry about, I feel it pointless to do anything.

I’m in a funk.

I wake up – work – eat – read – and bore myself to sleep. My husband and therapist keep forcing me to do things I used to like, but doing these things forcefully, is giving me no joy. I could read, color, quill but at the end of that activity, I feel the same that I felt before I started it. There is zero impact on me.

Then there’s the other coping mechanism of “be around other people, even if you want to be alone.”

But placing myself in a group, trying to ease into conversations, just makes me realise how different others are to me and how they have nothing in common with me and honestly they don’t care about me but just want to talk about themselves. Those who attempt to engage me, the conversation immediately turns mediocre to me when all the other person wants to talk about is stuff like weather or is not able to match up with the speed of my train of thought.

I really feel like I’m in a limbo. Doing things for the sake of it. Because all of the dreaming, hoping, failing and trying again and again has broken me.

life · Memories

The Solitary Flower

Beneath the ground

Buried several feet deep

Lay a solitary seed

Eager to live

She yearned to see the sun

And feel the wind

She wanted to spread her fragrance

And bring cheer

When she rose above the ground

First shoot tender and vulnerable

They gave her a look and said

“Not a rose”

And they ignored her

And planted more roses

Left her to fend for her own

She taught herself how to follow the sun

She learned to store water while it rains

She was her own fertilizer

And one day she became a flower

She smiled at the world

Eager to share her love

But they scorned at her face

And said, “Not good enough”

She tried to make her petals more pretty

Her nectar more sweet

She tried to essence spritzy

She always kept her head high

But though her color was more vivacious

Though her honey was sugary

Though she smelled very daisy

She was still “Not a rose”

She fought for attention

She pined for love

She longed for affection

She almost begged to be liked

“If only you were a rose though”

“You take care of yourself, tough little seed”

“The world is cruel, love”

“Just wait for your time to bid”

But there never came a day

When she was picked

There was never a hope

That she would be cared for

She’s trying

Still trying

To be a part of a bouquet

With the orchids and lilies and roses

But somehow she is always placed last

How many times can you pick yourself up?

Thoughts

My Heart Isn’t In It…

For quite a long time now, I have been living through the motions. Like, I’ll wake up, brush my teeth, work, eat, sleep.. I’ll do it all but I don’t feel any energy from any of it. Now, many will say, it’s because you are living a routine, but that’s not true. Because I have also been travelling, attending birthdays and weddings and baby showers. My social calendar didn’t see a low tide even during the lockdown.

But all this socializing.. it’s exhausting too.. it isn’t motivating me or stimulating me into new ideas or even getting me excited enough to draft up plans and schedules, like I used to.

My therapist and husband keep insisting that I do the things that used to bring me joy.. like reading, walking, quilling, writing a blog.. but I don’t feel like doing them either because they don’t bring me no joy no more.

A thousand people may give me thousand advices but as long as the feeling doesn’t come from within, I know it will not work. Went the self-help route and tried the practical trick of “force yourself to take action and that will motivate you. Use the motivation then to perform more action and keep the ball rolling.” I forced myself to post a few half-hearted posts (see my last few attempts) which made me recoil more. I don’t want to do something because someone suggested, I want to do it because I wanted to do it.

I thought about writing down my actual real thoughts on a blog post, and I know they don’t sound very glamourous, but they are what I have for now.

My Heart Isn’t Into Anything!