Directionless

In standard XII, my chemistry tutor told me an analogy. He said, “Imagine, you are kicking a football. But there is no goal post. You will be stuck kicking the ball aimlessly your whole life, if you do not have a goal.”

Right now, I feel like that imaginary football player. I am kicking my life around – taking it down memory lane, resting it on a Sunday afternoon gallery, speeding along the expressway of a job, mingling through gullys of friends and family – and yet all of this feels meaningless. It’s like when I am done kicking the ball of life, the whole day, I don’t know where to put it at night.

I wonder, is there a point to all of this? Is this daily society acceptable routine somehow magically going to take me on a road where the journey not only looks good; but also feels good?

Will I ever know what my goalpost is?

Performance Review

Part of being an over-thinker is that at the end of each day I review, analyze & rate myself on how I behaved & reacted in the entire day.

And my biggest critic being me, needless to say, I end up giving myself some choice harsh words. And also, let my frustration out on whoever I lay my eyes next.

Obviously, I’m doing all of this wrong.

But I just don’t know how to be kind & supportive of myself. Striving to be better is like stretching a rubber band. When I try to break free, I find myself pulled right back to where I started.

And if I had thought that a Corona-free new year would be great for my mental peace, I was so mistaken. This month has been a rough start! 😔